Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Ah, my ever present companions

It seems every other day there's something new and random happening to increase my stress and anxiety or add to my fickle bouts of depression.  I think I've gotten to the point where I ask myself "was I ever happy?"  I can't stand living like this.  Seeing as how I have so few people to talk to, I'm venting here.  No one reads my blog anyways so it's good therapy.

One of, if not the first, change I noticed was I'm uncomfortable when I'm not stressed.  It's like walking around with the constant feeling you've forgotten something important.  When work doesn't have me stressed out and in a constant rush, I'm off balance.  For example...today.  I stood in the doorway to my classroom for about 3 min just looking around the room taking a mental inventory of everything there and compared it to what I was bringing home.  Today was the first day in weeks I didn't have a 30lb bag of books to bring home to prepare a lesson.

Yesterday was also a low blow, but I didn't realize it until about 2 hours ago.  One of the Asst Principals came into my room yesterday morning and complemented my learning wall (don't ask).  I was beyond pleased she liked it and also a little surprised because I didn't think it was note-worthy (and there's the depression).  Well, after feeling all happy about that, my 2nd pd class came in and by the end of the pd I was almost in tears of frustration.  Thankfully a teacher acquaintance happened to come in and she relieved me for a minute.  Well, about 2 hours ago and while watching my favorite movie, it hit me.  That was my first compliment all school year from an administrator.  Now, I don't live my life for the approval of others, but it is nice to hear a positive word every now again from your boss to help keep you feeling positive and moving forward.  That compliment carries the same weight as all the negative feedback I've been given.  That complement will help sustain my drive and I'll work harder on my next learning wall, but it's hard to bear at the same time because I have one compliment to set next to the stack of big red X's.  I wish I could ask for help or had someone to really talk to about all this but with our work environment, it's almost like "who can you trust?"  My teacher friends are great and offer so much helpful advice, but if an administrator finds out, then I'll be under an electron microscope instead of a magnifying glass.

And then there's the wedding.  My fiance and I have 25 days until our wedding.  I'm so excited and stressed!  It's like being on an emotional roller coaster  LoL  Yeah, probably just as much screaming ;)  j/k  I've only screamed twice (and not at him) to vent some frustration.  We have the little things beginning to come together so things are beginning to calm down.  I put him in charge of a couple things to take the weight off my shoulders for a change.  I really don't want to be the dominant leader in our relationship; I've had to do that so much in the past I'm tired.  I need a 50/50 arrangement; I need to be able to be in charge of a,b, & c knowing he's got x, y, & z under control without me saying "take care of x, y, & z."  But, all in all, it's coming together nicely.  I can't wait for everyone to see what the fuss was about.  I think everyone will be blown away...er...I hope ;-)

Anyways, that's my vent.  Thank you blog for being my silent sounding board :-)  I must say, I do feel a wee bit better.

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