Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Ah, my ever present companions

It seems every other day there's something new and random happening to increase my stress and anxiety or add to my fickle bouts of depression.  I think I've gotten to the point where I ask myself "was I ever happy?"  I can't stand living like this.  Seeing as how I have so few people to talk to, I'm venting here.  No one reads my blog anyways so it's good therapy.

One of, if not the first, change I noticed was I'm uncomfortable when I'm not stressed.  It's like walking around with the constant feeling you've forgotten something important.  When work doesn't have me stressed out and in a constant rush, I'm off balance.  For example...today.  I stood in the doorway to my classroom for about 3 min just looking around the room taking a mental inventory of everything there and compared it to what I was bringing home.  Today was the first day in weeks I didn't have a 30lb bag of books to bring home to prepare a lesson.

Yesterday was also a low blow, but I didn't realize it until about 2 hours ago.  One of the Asst Principals came into my room yesterday morning and complemented my learning wall (don't ask).  I was beyond pleased she liked it and also a little surprised because I didn't think it was note-worthy (and there's the depression).  Well, after feeling all happy about that, my 2nd pd class came in and by the end of the pd I was almost in tears of frustration.  Thankfully a teacher acquaintance happened to come in and she relieved me for a minute.  Well, about 2 hours ago and while watching my favorite movie, it hit me.  That was my first compliment all school year from an administrator.  Now, I don't live my life for the approval of others, but it is nice to hear a positive word every now again from your boss to help keep you feeling positive and moving forward.  That compliment carries the same weight as all the negative feedback I've been given.  That complement will help sustain my drive and I'll work harder on my next learning wall, but it's hard to bear at the same time because I have one compliment to set next to the stack of big red X's.  I wish I could ask for help or had someone to really talk to about all this but with our work environment, it's almost like "who can you trust?"  My teacher friends are great and offer so much helpful advice, but if an administrator finds out, then I'll be under an electron microscope instead of a magnifying glass.

And then there's the wedding.  My fiance and I have 25 days until our wedding.  I'm so excited and stressed!  It's like being on an emotional roller coaster  LoL  Yeah, probably just as much screaming ;)  j/k  I've only screamed twice (and not at him) to vent some frustration.  We have the little things beginning to come together so things are beginning to calm down.  I put him in charge of a couple things to take the weight off my shoulders for a change.  I really don't want to be the dominant leader in our relationship; I've had to do that so much in the past I'm tired.  I need a 50/50 arrangement; I need to be able to be in charge of a,b, & c knowing he's got x, y, & z under control without me saying "take care of x, y, & z."  But, all in all, it's coming together nicely.  I can't wait for everyone to see what the fuss was about.  I think everyone will be blown away...er...I hope ;-)

Anyways, that's my vent.  Thank you blog for being my silent sounding board :-)  I must say, I do feel a wee bit better.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Deferred

Ever notice how life never turns out the way you imagined it would?  Where I am today is nowhere near any of the dozens of scenarios I've imagined for myself.

Were you the one who dreamed of something fantastical, awaiting some hero from the pages of your favorite novel to find you?  Or to be someone greater than you are?  Or are you the one who thought you wouldn't be alive for this long?  Or maybe you're the one whose imaginings depended on what day it was?

Apparently I conduct my best musings when I should be asleep or in the shower LoL  Here I am, 2am, and still awake contemplating where I am in life - physically and metaphorically.  With so many life changes going on around me, I can't help but reflect on those I haven't accomplished.  Man, I such a dreamer growing up!  Hm, I wonder what happened to that.  Who truly knows what happens to those dreams deferred?  At 31, I can say some have quite dried up like a raisin in the sun, though haven't quite festered like a sore*.  Though all these lost dreams is a point of contention for my ego - that I that we ignore while in the midst of the daily grind in our zombie-like pursuits that ever accidentally comes out late at night when  you should be asleep or in the shower.

I must have a purpose great than simply being.  A mark yet to be made.  A task to be mastered.  It's not what happens to the dream deferred; it's about what happens to the person whose dreams are deferred.

I've said, often enough, a new life, a new start, when referring to my upcoming marriage.  I hope to put that into action.  I need to put that into action.

*reference to Harlem by Langston Hughes

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Be a simple kind of man

Tonight was another emotional low for me in the joke that is wedding planning.  I say joke because there's no such thing as "planning" a wedding.  As it turns out, it's more about accommodating.  Thankfully I can count on my dog and fiance to pick me up off the proverbial floor and dust me off.

I'm late getting to bed.  After rushing around my apartment tidying things up for my mom's visit tomorrow, I stopped in the kitchen, it the partially lit room, and just stared.  I just stared at the nothingness I feel.  This empty, anxious, lost shell that I've found myself becoming all too familiar with has left me with very little light and a bitter taste of ugly realities.

And maybe typing this out will cause me to step on even more toes, but I only have two choices left to me since the rest have slowly been taken away.  I can vent and relieve my stress -or- I can keep it inside until my anxiety and chest pains put me in the hospital...and I don't think my mom or fiance would appreciate that very much.  Is it sad that so few people actually realize what my fiance and I have been going through?  See, it's not just me.

As I lie in bed, I cant help think what will tomorrow bring.  Then I realize I have to deal with tomorrow and the tears I thought I had run out of earlier begin to well up again.  Guess I shouldn't have had that glass of water after all...

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