Wednesday, November 2, 2011

What it means

Believe it or not, I do my best not to bother people with how I feel or the troubles of my life unless they have a trust I only reserve for those who are my true friends.  Or, I can't take it anymore and vent on my blog...and sometimes my FB page when yelling to the world is more beneficial than beating my head on the wall ;)

I don't like to put my business out there for the world to see and all this wedding planning has assisted in turning my own little portion of the world chaotic so I've bent my rules a bit ;)  I have a feeling that some people might think my fiance and I are either putting too much into the wedding/reception or are trying too hard for perfection.  Maybe they're right.  The question is, do we care?  My fiance is even more secretive about his feelings and emotions than I; never caving under the pressures of life to publicly vent, so I don't think everyone truly knows what our marriage and wedding means to us and why we've done all that we can to ensure our dream comes true.

Essentially, this is a dream.  A dream come true.  A dream that we both thought would always remain as such.  All of my previous relationships were long-term and long-distance; some better than others.  And my fiance had been in one long-term relationship and a few here and there.  We never found that true connection.  That connection that feels right, comfortable, natural, and you know it's safe to be you.  And now we have.  We were both surprised how similar we are!  We'd only known each other about a year at college and grew into the people we are today while living timezones apart and here we are, eerily similar and contentedly happy.

But, for me, it's not only I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.  It's deeper than that.  On November 10, my dad will hold me in him arms for the first time in 31 years.  I will hear his voice, know his laughter, and hear him say my name for the first time in 31 years.  I never thought the day would come when I would know the other half of my being, the other half of who I am.  Having my family together, celebrating a love for a lifetime, I can see no better occasion for everything to be picture perfect and just the way we dreamed than our wedding when so many of our dreams are coming true.

I just want to thank, truly thank, those of you who were, are, continue to be supportive through all this.  Who understood the demands our planning placed not only on us, but our family and guests.  Those who stood strong when things were rough, and those who know nothing but love, support, and compassion I cannot thank you enough!  Thank you for being a part of our dreams come true!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Ah, my ever present companions

It seems every other day there's something new and random happening to increase my stress and anxiety or add to my fickle bouts of depression.  I think I've gotten to the point where I ask myself "was I ever happy?"  I can't stand living like this.  Seeing as how I have so few people to talk to, I'm venting here.  No one reads my blog anyways so it's good therapy.

One of, if not the first, change I noticed was I'm uncomfortable when I'm not stressed.  It's like walking around with the constant feeling you've forgotten something important.  When work doesn't have me stressed out and in a constant rush, I'm off balance.  For example...today.  I stood in the doorway to my classroom for about 3 min just looking around the room taking a mental inventory of everything there and compared it to what I was bringing home.  Today was the first day in weeks I didn't have a 30lb bag of books to bring home to prepare a lesson.

Yesterday was also a low blow, but I didn't realize it until about 2 hours ago.  One of the Asst Principals came into my room yesterday morning and complemented my learning wall (don't ask).  I was beyond pleased she liked it and also a little surprised because I didn't think it was note-worthy (and there's the depression).  Well, after feeling all happy about that, my 2nd pd class came in and by the end of the pd I was almost in tears of frustration.  Thankfully a teacher acquaintance happened to come in and she relieved me for a minute.  Well, about 2 hours ago and while watching my favorite movie, it hit me.  That was my first compliment all school year from an administrator.  Now, I don't live my life for the approval of others, but it is nice to hear a positive word every now again from your boss to help keep you feeling positive and moving forward.  That compliment carries the same weight as all the negative feedback I've been given.  That complement will help sustain my drive and I'll work harder on my next learning wall, but it's hard to bear at the same time because I have one compliment to set next to the stack of big red X's.  I wish I could ask for help or had someone to really talk to about all this but with our work environment, it's almost like "who can you trust?"  My teacher friends are great and offer so much helpful advice, but if an administrator finds out, then I'll be under an electron microscope instead of a magnifying glass.

And then there's the wedding.  My fiance and I have 25 days until our wedding.  I'm so excited and stressed!  It's like being on an emotional roller coaster  LoL  Yeah, probably just as much screaming ;)  j/k  I've only screamed twice (and not at him) to vent some frustration.  We have the little things beginning to come together so things are beginning to calm down.  I put him in charge of a couple things to take the weight off my shoulders for a change.  I really don't want to be the dominant leader in our relationship; I've had to do that so much in the past I'm tired.  I need a 50/50 arrangement; I need to be able to be in charge of a,b, & c knowing he's got x, y, & z under control without me saying "take care of x, y, & z."  But, all in all, it's coming together nicely.  I can't wait for everyone to see what the fuss was about.  I think everyone will be blown away...er...I hope ;-)

Anyways, that's my vent.  Thank you blog for being my silent sounding board :-)  I must say, I do feel a wee bit better.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Deferred

Ever notice how life never turns out the way you imagined it would?  Where I am today is nowhere near any of the dozens of scenarios I've imagined for myself.

Were you the one who dreamed of something fantastical, awaiting some hero from the pages of your favorite novel to find you?  Or to be someone greater than you are?  Or are you the one who thought you wouldn't be alive for this long?  Or maybe you're the one whose imaginings depended on what day it was?

Apparently I conduct my best musings when I should be asleep or in the shower LoL  Here I am, 2am, and still awake contemplating where I am in life - physically and metaphorically.  With so many life changes going on around me, I can't help but reflect on those I haven't accomplished.  Man, I such a dreamer growing up!  Hm, I wonder what happened to that.  Who truly knows what happens to those dreams deferred?  At 31, I can say some have quite dried up like a raisin in the sun, though haven't quite festered like a sore*.  Though all these lost dreams is a point of contention for my ego - that I that we ignore while in the midst of the daily grind in our zombie-like pursuits that ever accidentally comes out late at night when  you should be asleep or in the shower.

I must have a purpose great than simply being.  A mark yet to be made.  A task to be mastered.  It's not what happens to the dream deferred; it's about what happens to the person whose dreams are deferred.

I've said, often enough, a new life, a new start, when referring to my upcoming marriage.  I hope to put that into action.  I need to put that into action.

*reference to Harlem by Langston Hughes

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Be a simple kind of man

Tonight was another emotional low for me in the joke that is wedding planning.  I say joke because there's no such thing as "planning" a wedding.  As it turns out, it's more about accommodating.  Thankfully I can count on my dog and fiance to pick me up off the proverbial floor and dust me off.

I'm late getting to bed.  After rushing around my apartment tidying things up for my mom's visit tomorrow, I stopped in the kitchen, it the partially lit room, and just stared.  I just stared at the nothingness I feel.  This empty, anxious, lost shell that I've found myself becoming all too familiar with has left me with very little light and a bitter taste of ugly realities.

And maybe typing this out will cause me to step on even more toes, but I only have two choices left to me since the rest have slowly been taken away.  I can vent and relieve my stress -or- I can keep it inside until my anxiety and chest pains put me in the hospital...and I don't think my mom or fiance would appreciate that very much.  Is it sad that so few people actually realize what my fiance and I have been going through?  See, it's not just me.

As I lie in bed, I cant help think what will tomorrow bring.  Then I realize I have to deal with tomorrow and the tears I thought I had run out of earlier begin to well up again.  Guess I shouldn't have had that glass of water after all...

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

What do you think?

Ok, what do you think?!  Isn't it cute?!  ...Yes...it is cute! (insert bossy, determined girlfriend stare...here ;)  I can't believe I found a dress!  I love dresses, but here lately designers and the people who order dresses for the mall have lost their freakin minds with the styles thats been coming out.  Let's just say that some trends need to be left in the past!

Anyways, I've been needing a dress just cause and also for engagement photos.  This dress is so comfy and figure flattering!  The pockets are a nice touch.  I will have to have a seamstress work on the shoulder straps because they're just a little loose.  But if I had good posture like I had in college lol I probably wouldn't have that little issue.  That and maybe a little bigger bust to fill out the pleats.  BUT, overall this is a great, cute, and comfy summer dress.

And so I don't infringe on the copyright law, this pic is from Belk's website.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Just disappointed

What else can I say?  Talking to wall is more productive than talking to my sister.  So, we had this huge blow-up about the shoes I want her to wear for my wedding.  FYI, it's not a particular shoe, just has to be a black, closed toe, high-heel, without adornments.  She wants to wear a peep-toe.  I know, I know.  You're asking what's the big deal...I get it.  LoL  Here's her argument:  she doesn't like that style shoe, the peep fits her personality, she'll actually wear her shoe again, and "it's just a shoe".  And mine is:  I want everyone to wear the same style shoe, I will be wearing something similar, it's classic so it can be worn again, goes with the motif, ours is a Fall wedding, and since it is our wedding shouldn't we (fiance and I) decide what everyone will wear?

The real issue I have is I did everything I could to make sure she would get her way with her wedding.  When ever we did anything or she asked my opinion, I would always tell her "this what I think, but this is your wedding, what do you want?".  She had a few problems with one girl in her wedding b/c she complained about the dress and the shoes.  I feel like my sis is now that girl.  She has complained about the date, the dress, the shoes, the dress I picked for the bridesmaids, even complained that I shouldn't be getting married so soon.  Everyone seems to give in to her and I'm not doing it; not this time.

Anyways, our big argument ended with me telling her she can either wear the shoes I want or she can't be the Maid of Honor.  We haven't spoken in well over a week and she calls out of the blue the other day to ask about planning the Bridal Shower.  I'm like, whoa, did she finally come around?!  ...no...  She didn't feel like chatting so I didn't get far in our conversation.  What I did put out there, didn't do anything to change her mind.  Yeah, when you try to talk to my sister, you'll get one of four responses:
  1. I'm busy, can't talk
  2. I don't feel good, can't talk
  3. I'm sleeping, can't talk
  4. I'm playing WoW/watching TV, can't talk
...Yeah...

Like I said in a previous post, I should be enjoying at least some of this (wedding planning)...and I'm not.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

The decision was made for me...kind of

Well, there's no need to worry about which job to go with.  Nope.  I got the call from Vancleave and the principal said at this time he is prepared to give the position to another applicant...sigh.  So, I called the principal at my (I guess) former school and told him I would like to be considered for the English position and e-mailed H.R. to let them know.  Then it was off to my dentist appt.

I leave the dentist office (cavity free, btw) and notice I had a missed call from him.  He precedes to tell me to ignore the e-mail sent from H.R., that H.R. and the School Board doesn't know what the high school needs in way of number of teachers.  I'm thinking...um...okay.  Well, it would seem the H.R. lady e-mails me back stating there is no longer an English position available stating the School Board is not hiring anyone until the budgetary issues are resolved...(again) sigh.

So, it probably won't be until almost the end of the month until I know something definite.  I'm going up to the school tomorrow to have a better talk with the principal.  I'm so nervous about being unemployed.  I don't think I can make it living with my mom or sister!!!  (They've both offered to let me stay with them if things don't work out here) 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

My nerves are shot!

Omg!  Okay!  LoL  Well, I'm down to the wire.  I have to make a decision tomorrow about a job.  I should hear from the Vancleave H.S. principal by lunch tomorrow.  I also have to notify hr at my previous school district about the English position offered.  Believe it or not, this is a tough decision.  Here's the break down:

New Library Job:
  • is farther away (30 min commute)
  • library position
  • awesome school
  • higher expectations of the library
English Position:
  • same school (10 min commute)
  • 11th grade English (if they don't screw me and give me 9th)
  • um...well, it's the same school  LoL
  • new challenge as this will be my first teaching position
What to do, what to do?  Oh, and I have a dentist appt. tomorrow :/  Hope I've flossed enough!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Is it just me, or are the walls closing in?

It's only 3:30pm and today has done me in.  Maybe I'm pms-ing (I hate that excuse, but if it fits...) or just overwhelmed with wedding planning or what, but right now, I feel like doing one to three things:
  1. begin hyperventilating
  2. curl back up in bed and pretend I don't have a wedding to plan
  3. raid some dungeons in Oblivion, taking my frustrations out on the NPCs
I'm really excited about being married.  I never really thought family was in the cards for me.  But from the beginning I feel like I've had more than enough speed bumps for my tastes.  If it's not my sister (and maid of honor) complaining about all my decisions, or the lackluster proposal, or planning a wedding with the groom three timezones away, then it's the feeling of having to rush through all the planning since we gave ourselves less than a year (the proposal had to be put off for various reasons).

I'm tired of the only time I have felt special is when I was trying on wedding gowns.  Maybe it's stupid to say, maybe wedding planning is supposed to be all stress, but I at least thought more of it would feel...special.  Either I'm down all the time or stressed all the time.  I'm just really grateful for my mom being willing to help when I ask.  I don't think I'd be as far as I am without her support.  Idk...maybe I'm just making too much of it...

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Pick-A-Pet photo contest

Back in April, I entered Sophie in the MS Press Newspaper's Pick-A-Pet photo contest. The contest is to support Newspaper's in Education (NIE). NIE provides free classroom set newspapers to local MS schools.

What do you think of the picture I entered? I had so many to choose from, but this was the most recent and I think she looks too cute in her Saints dress :)

If you would like to vote, you can find and print out the ballot here. And you can view all the contestants here (Sophie is on page 8 ;).

Voting can be done in two ways. Each person is allowed 5 free votes. Each vote must be on it's own ballot and you are allowed one free vote per day (not to exceed 5 free votes total). Or you can give a monetary donation. Each $0.25 of your donation is counted as one vote (ex: a $5.00 donation equals 20 votes).

While I don't think Sophie will win, I'm so glad I entered her in the contest! Oh! The pet who wins the contest will get a photo session and their picture will be in NIE newspaper for a year.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Life changes

Seems like I have a tendency to start my posts off with some version of "So much has been going on" LoL May has been a roller coaster of a month for me, with the big uphill struggle being loosing my job. There's this policy at our district (as well as many others, to be sure) called Reduction in Force (RIF). Basically, my position was terminated due to the budget and it no longer being necessary because the high school where I worked employed two full-time librarians and now the District has decided that only one is needed.

I had my hearing today...this morning...omg! First that started an hour late! I especially upset because the people who showed up to be my witnesses had waste all that time just standing around. Though I must admit, it was a boon for me because I know I couldn't have sat there as calm as I did without them! In all, I think the hearing went...ok...I wasn't expecting things to go the way the did, but then I didn't know what to expect at all. It was definitely scary and at the end, very emotional. I'll admit it, I had to excuse myself for a min or two :p I won't know anything until the next school board meeting...which could be in 30 days. All my friends have been very supportive and positive, but idk...at times I feel like I've run out of steam. This was just a low blow for me. I understand the budget is the basis for my termination, but I can't help but take things personally because of how much work, time, and effort I've put into my job.

But, I'm a firm believer in all things happening for a reason even if we can't clearly see it at the moment. I wasn't expecting to stay at MPHS as long as I did (5 years), but I'm certainly glad I did. I've helped graduate some of the best students I have ever known and, I think, helped to make a positive impact on the school.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Getting it together

Wow, can life be more hectic for me right now?! LoL I need a break! Granted I go back to work from Mardi Gras holiday...but I didn't take much of a holiday while off from work. Which seems to be my habit. I see a day off and think "oh, what can I get done with this day?" Never "hell yeah, lets stay in bed and read all day!" LoL There are so many changes needing to be done, I'm not leaving much time for the "me" stuff. My blog (obviously) hasn't been updated since Oct., not a quarter as active on Shelfari as I used to be, my t.b.r pile of books is huge!, and Sophie and I don't do much. I need to re-prioritize a few things and get back to me. Maybe I'll be able to handle coming changes better :)

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