Tuesday, April 23, 2013

New Blog On Its Way!

Call me crazy, but I've decided to start a new blog!  I know!  I hardly keep up with this one!!! ;)  LoL  Seriously though, I've been toying with the idea of chronicling my life here in Portland, OR and all the challenges I've gone though in the past 7 months and thought, "Why not?"  Still working on a title for the blog so feel free to offer up some suggestions!

I've decided to keep this one up for now.  I started this one back in '08 so I have mixed feelings about taking it down.  I know, it's just clutter on the information super highway...but I like it :p

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Oh yeah, greetings from Oregon!

Soo...as usual, I'm still not keeping up with my blog :p  BUT, I'm thinking of starting a new.  New place, new blog :)

Speaking of new place, Greetings from Portland, OR!!!  As my friends well know, I've been here for a few months now and things are going okay.  I'm still looking for work, but I have a clear plan now and actively getting things back on track for myself.

If I can get an Internet connection at home, I'd be set.  Yeah, I may have gone through withdrawals  LoL  Well, my time at the local public library is almost up so here I must close.  Hoping to have new posts and new poems up soon!!!

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Angry

I'm tired of being angry.  I'm tired of the silence and weak attempt of understanding.  That red-black anger that festers and grows and boils until it bursts.  The heat and the tears and the flaking bits of a ravaged heart that flitters to the grown ignored and abandoned.  That anger that pools in your chest and sits and waits to the next victim of your rampage.  What do you do when you can't set it down?  What do you when it replaces all that there was?  And what are you to my anger?  Are you that never-ending source and the flicker of hope,  that small tendril of light that pierces the darkness?  Listen, learn, and move on to the next.  One down, how many more to go?  One down...

Thursday, March 15, 2012

New Poem

~Untitled~

The shadowy remnants of my heart beats inside its frozen shell
Twist and turn those icy barbs that pierce by chest
I try in vain to absorb your warmth
  but you've already left my side
Special is the new love, addictive drug that lures you in
That hollow chill that keeps you there
  that frozen fire that steals your soul
Long and lonely withered sigh
  this heart has frozen deep inside

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

What it means

Believe it or not, I do my best not to bother people with how I feel or the troubles of my life unless they have a trust I only reserve for those who are my true friends.  Or, I can't take it anymore and vent on my blog...and sometimes my FB page when yelling to the world is more beneficial than beating my head on the wall ;)

I don't like to put my business out there for the world to see and all this wedding planning has assisted in turning my own little portion of the world chaotic so I've bent my rules a bit ;)  I have a feeling that some people might think my fiance and I are either putting too much into the wedding/reception or are trying too hard for perfection.  Maybe they're right.  The question is, do we care?  My fiance is even more secretive about his feelings and emotions than I; never caving under the pressures of life to publicly vent, so I don't think everyone truly knows what our marriage and wedding means to us and why we've done all that we can to ensure our dream comes true.

Essentially, this is a dream.  A dream come true.  A dream that we both thought would always remain as such.  All of my previous relationships were long-term and long-distance; some better than others.  And my fiance had been in one long-term relationship and a few here and there.  We never found that true connection.  That connection that feels right, comfortable, natural, and you know it's safe to be you.  And now we have.  We were both surprised how similar we are!  We'd only known each other about a year at college and grew into the people we are today while living timezones apart and here we are, eerily similar and contentedly happy.

But, for me, it's not only I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.  It's deeper than that.  On November 10, my dad will hold me in him arms for the first time in 31 years.  I will hear his voice, know his laughter, and hear him say my name for the first time in 31 years.  I never thought the day would come when I would know the other half of my being, the other half of who I am.  Having my family together, celebrating a love for a lifetime, I can see no better occasion for everything to be picture perfect and just the way we dreamed than our wedding when so many of our dreams are coming true.

I just want to thank, truly thank, those of you who were, are, continue to be supportive through all this.  Who understood the demands our planning placed not only on us, but our family and guests.  Those who stood strong when things were rough, and those who know nothing but love, support, and compassion I cannot thank you enough!  Thank you for being a part of our dreams come true!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Ah, my ever present companions

It seems every other day there's something new and random happening to increase my stress and anxiety or add to my fickle bouts of depression.  I think I've gotten to the point where I ask myself "was I ever happy?"  I can't stand living like this.  Seeing as how I have so few people to talk to, I'm venting here.  No one reads my blog anyways so it's good therapy.

One of, if not the first, change I noticed was I'm uncomfortable when I'm not stressed.  It's like walking around with the constant feeling you've forgotten something important.  When work doesn't have me stressed out and in a constant rush, I'm off balance.  For example...today.  I stood in the doorway to my classroom for about 3 min just looking around the room taking a mental inventory of everything there and compared it to what I was bringing home.  Today was the first day in weeks I didn't have a 30lb bag of books to bring home to prepare a lesson.

Yesterday was also a low blow, but I didn't realize it until about 2 hours ago.  One of the Asst Principals came into my room yesterday morning and complemented my learning wall (don't ask).  I was beyond pleased she liked it and also a little surprised because I didn't think it was note-worthy (and there's the depression).  Well, after feeling all happy about that, my 2nd pd class came in and by the end of the pd I was almost in tears of frustration.  Thankfully a teacher acquaintance happened to come in and she relieved me for a minute.  Well, about 2 hours ago and while watching my favorite movie, it hit me.  That was my first compliment all school year from an administrator.  Now, I don't live my life for the approval of others, but it is nice to hear a positive word every now again from your boss to help keep you feeling positive and moving forward.  That compliment carries the same weight as all the negative feedback I've been given.  That complement will help sustain my drive and I'll work harder on my next learning wall, but it's hard to bear at the same time because I have one compliment to set next to the stack of big red X's.  I wish I could ask for help or had someone to really talk to about all this but with our work environment, it's almost like "who can you trust?"  My teacher friends are great and offer so much helpful advice, but if an administrator finds out, then I'll be under an electron microscope instead of a magnifying glass.

And then there's the wedding.  My fiance and I have 25 days until our wedding.  I'm so excited and stressed!  It's like being on an emotional roller coaster  LoL  Yeah, probably just as much screaming ;)  j/k  I've only screamed twice (and not at him) to vent some frustration.  We have the little things beginning to come together so things are beginning to calm down.  I put him in charge of a couple things to take the weight off my shoulders for a change.  I really don't want to be the dominant leader in our relationship; I've had to do that so much in the past I'm tired.  I need a 50/50 arrangement; I need to be able to be in charge of a,b, & c knowing he's got x, y, & z under control without me saying "take care of x, y, & z."  But, all in all, it's coming together nicely.  I can't wait for everyone to see what the fuss was about.  I think everyone will be blown away...er...I hope ;-)

Anyways, that's my vent.  Thank you blog for being my silent sounding board :-)  I must say, I do feel a wee bit better.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Deferred

Ever notice how life never turns out the way you imagined it would?  Where I am today is nowhere near any of the dozens of scenarios I've imagined for myself.

Were you the one who dreamed of something fantastical, awaiting some hero from the pages of your favorite novel to find you?  Or to be someone greater than you are?  Or are you the one who thought you wouldn't be alive for this long?  Or maybe you're the one whose imaginings depended on what day it was?

Apparently I conduct my best musings when I should be asleep or in the shower LoL  Here I am, 2am, and still awake contemplating where I am in life - physically and metaphorically.  With so many life changes going on around me, I can't help but reflect on those I haven't accomplished.  Man, I such a dreamer growing up!  Hm, I wonder what happened to that.  Who truly knows what happens to those dreams deferred?  At 31, I can say some have quite dried up like a raisin in the sun, though haven't quite festered like a sore*.  Though all these lost dreams is a point of contention for my ego - that I that we ignore while in the midst of the daily grind in our zombie-like pursuits that ever accidentally comes out late at night when  you should be asleep or in the shower.

I must have a purpose great than simply being.  A mark yet to be made.  A task to be mastered.  It's not what happens to the dream deferred; it's about what happens to the person whose dreams are deferred.

I've said, often enough, a new life, a new start, when referring to my upcoming marriage.  I hope to put that into action.  I need to put that into action.

*reference to Harlem by Langston Hughes

What dog breed are you?

What dog breed are you? I'm a Golden Retriever! Find out at Dogster.com

Original Mary Poppins trailer

Scary Mary Poppins trailer